"So Mike, any questions before we get started?"

"Yeah, what's your favorite color?"

My joking was just a coping mechanism for the anxiety I felt about the procedure I was about to have done.

"Burgundy." Was the doc's answer, no real reason. He laughed though and I felt a little better.

I had already been stuck with an IV of electrolytes and antibiotics and whatever concoction the anesthesiologist mixed up had me out in under 60 seconds. No idea how long it took really, no memories. Probably like 90 minutes.

Bandages still havent come off, am curious to see the scars from the incisions. I opted for the cadaver donor tissue instead of doing the patella or using part of my hamstring because by my line of thinking, why would I weaken my body in one area to strengthen another? Plus now I'm always walking with the dead, that is once I can walk again.

Got this machine to bend my knee for me, am up to 42degrees of motion , did 4 hours? yesterday and 6 today pretty sure. Percocet has me out of it. Sleep is inches from my fingertips and miles from my mind, eyelids slowly droop and flutter wide again.

Did not do things that needed to be done already, need to do them as soon as possible but havent been able to really because it's so ridiculous how useless I am currently. The nerve block they gave me didn't extend down to the knee itself so post-op I was in so much pain I was in tears. A failed second nerve block, two shots of demerol and two percocet later finally got me some relief. Almost ate it hard trying to get in my front steps, and had two close calls in the bathroom later on. The nausea from the painkillers, opiates get me every time this way- was just too much. I got pretty sick and then just held up in bed.

Christmas was good, got my surgery, macbook, and some video games. It's 2:15 am right now and I am going to turn off all light sources, put on some quiet music and try to drift off to some peaceful place where I can give these heavy bones a much needed rest.

I've had some visitors, more should be coming, it's great seeing people even though our activities are severely limited. Means a lot to see a smiling frriend's face when you're preoccupied with pain or whatever. It's an escape from the moment, and without those little vacations life can just pile on too much at once. This doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what's going on inside my head or how I'm doing emotionally but it's not the time or place for that, usually never is.

It's not a good feeling having to be helped with everything, I feel like a dick. Strange, I used to try and get help when I didn't need it and had no problem with that at all.

I'm losing some friends to overseas programs next semester, it will definitely alter my circle of friends and this is actually kind of great. I'm always up to meet new people and to be perfectly honest i stopped meeting people at USF and feel stupid about that.

Was so out of it christmas when my brother and sister tried to wake me at like 1pm my eyes shot open and pupils dilated as I exclaimed "I'm HOME!?!?!" and kind of went back to sleep.

It's been too long since anything was put in here, but now I have a laptop and an internet connection. Might submit some writing to the ignatian, have one or two days to do so.

good night, or good morning.

Injured

It's been a while since anything has been "put down on paper." A lot has happened, but overall it's nothing extremely interesting or worth commenting on. Well, that may not be true but honestly I don't feel like writing about it.

Got my knee worked over pretty well in the intramural game. Tried to get in between two defenders on a corner and the ball came in, legs got tangled, got hit by both in different directions and felt my knee pop inwards. Incredibly sharp, sudden pain sent me to the ground like I got shot. So I shot to the turf immediately grabbing my leg/knee and making sure it wasnt bent wrong. Play continued for a few seconds before Jimmy asked if I was okay. An emphatic "NO" and waving of my other hand got his attention and people helped me off the field so play could continue. I had already scored in the first half and I think we were up at the time. My friends were already helping out, Charles had ice for me before I knew what was going on really, and Lance happened to have a knee brace in his bag which I desperately needed.

The ice really helped numb the pain, but my leg just buckled and gave out on me a few times throughout the day/evening. Without that brace I would have been in rough shape. Grabbed Sushi and saw Where The Wild Things are with some good company, although I didn't really like the film. Visually stunning, but it didn't really do anything for me. Maybe it was the fact that my mind was elsewhere because I couldn't sit comfortably, but something about the movie didn't click with me. The sushi was great, the gyoza (pot stickers) pretty good. I love pot stickers, and these were not bad but San Francisco has some great places to grab food so I am fortunate enough to be picky.

Got up Sunday and walked/took the bus to St. Mary's ER. Waited, iced, finally got admitted. Had x-rays, the technician asked if they gave me pain med, which I hadn't. I did when they were done taking the x-rays. I couldn't and still can't unbend my knee or bend it all the way without a LOT of pain. The nurse was not a very kind person overall and she snapped at me when I asked if there was something they could give me. Apparently not unless some doctor had seen me or some shit. Either way, I didn't care, I was only asking because it just so happened that some sort of painkiller would have helped me out significantly. Maybe she was having a rough day too or something but the coldness and insensitivity she sent my way did nothing to help my mood. Being alone in an ER bed with my ipod and my thoughts (which where nowhere pleasant) was a battle, and unfortunately Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" was not a song I chose to listen to, because my thoughts got the better of me. I usually go with Bob Marley when I'm not feeling right, and for whatever reason I didn't throw that on. I was sitting there just thinking about what kind of damage might have been done to me leg, and focusing on soccer. I know knees are the worst thing to injure, and that soccer goes after your knees the hardest.

But I got a new nurse who was very warm and spoke to me for a while about my concerns and she also asked me if I had been given anything for pain, and got me a vicodin and another about 45 minutes later when it didn't do anything. She really helped get me into a more positive mood, and when the doctor told me she would go look at my x-rays then go over with me and next thing I know i'm being given crutches, a brace and a prescription. There was a piece of paper saying some of the stuff the doctor said, stuff like possible meniscus damage. I had the name of an orthopedic specialist and needed to set up an appointment with him for an MRI.

Called at 8ish this morning no answer left a message, called again after class around 3. Next Thursday is the day, 9:30 a.m. Got put on a cancellation list so maybe sooner, hopefully. Going to call my primary doctor out here and see if they can help me get in there faster because I really want to know what the hell the deal is. I don't know if this is serious or not, just how painful it is.

Feeling hopeful it's nothing too bad, just want to know for certain.

At this moment I can not express the amount of sadness, anger, pain, and loneliness I feel.

It's been a while

Been a while since I wrote anything, here or otherwise. Love my classes, making a good start to the year but something is missing.

It seems like 24 hours in a day is too many, rather I just wish that someone would kick it while everyone else passes out.

Apartment is great, love my bedroom and the entire place, but my walls are way too bare. Plus I know jack shit about decorating so I just kind of put up some things I have but there's far too much plain space.

Mood lately been on an upward trend but to be honest last Wednesday was the first day I started to feel better since a few days after getting back out here - the one place in the world I wanted to be when I was stuck in Massachusetts. Why did I feel like shit? A whole number of reasons- and it just got way too hard to keep faking it, couldn't pretend I didn't feel awful anymore. Missed out on a great time last weekend because of it and while I regret not going out- not drinking and going wild was exactly what I needed at the time.

I'm trying to set some goals for this year but definitely not trying to throw all my eggs into a single basket.

This semester I just want to do well and live well. Gotta keep track of my cash, keep my head straight and surround myself with positivity.

Running on a bit of a short fuse, definitely will be doing my best not to snap at people.

Not much else to say, just needed to get my fingers moving on this keyboard in order to keep my thoughts quiet. This isn't very good practice but it is calming and any writing is just working towards what I want to do.

Too much thinking. Too too much.

Brought three books to work today, eleven hours until freedom. It's way too early to tell if I'll be going out tonight or just lying down and resting after I get out.

Desperately need to clean my room and find my grandfather's dogtag - it's been missing for about three weeks and I would be extremely upset if I lost it.

Time is running out, this is the last saturday I have at home until christmas.

Chelsea FC won over Hull City today thanks to a brace by Didier Drogba, the second goal coming in the 92nd minute. A good start to the season, but they need to put games away much earlier.

Fuck insomnia and sleep apnea. Tonight I sleep well and wake well rested right and ready for the new day.

I'm drunk. Cheers

It's a new school year in about three weeks, and a new opportunity to aim for something more than the grades I can get without applying myself. I would really like to do well this year, not going to be easy but it won't be the most difficult thing either.

Things are going to change but definitely not on their own, and not in the way I want them to unless I step up and do something about it. It's easy to say you're going to do something, but unless my actions speak for themselves that's all there is - just talk.

In order to be happier I need to set realistic goals and do everything I can to get there. I may act differently than I have in the past, and it would be helpful if I wasn't going to be pressured by the people I know to do something I might not want to.

If you can't accept the fact that I want to start living a little bit differently and start being more responsible, I don't really need you around me all the time.

This is my ladt chance to get off of academic probation or I'm thrown out of school. That's pretty fucking serious, I can't afford to put forth anything less than my best effort, and there are sacrifices that have to be made in order to perform at that level.

I'm scared that being off campus and living with my best friends will be a major obstacle to overcome.

Ultimately it's up to me to make the most out of my situation, and I won't have anyone to blame but myself if I mess things up.

There have been many important moments in my life, and pressure is nothing new but if I can get off of academic probation this semester then I will have accomplished one of many goals I have set for myself - and that's what is most important right now.

I'm going to need a little help making sure I stay on top of everything, but I can't expect it, because if I sit around waiting for somebody to give me a hand and nothing happens I'm in way over my head.

I won't lie, I'm petrified. Every day is going to be a challenge, and every day I'll have to try and meet that challenge and overcome the things in my way. Motivation has always been a problem for me, procrastination is my go-to when something gets assigned. I pray that I can manage my time better and not leave things until it's too late to do my best work. Too many times I find myself finishing up a paper right before class starts, handing in something I'm not especially proud of.

It's almost a new year, and a chance to do things differently this time around.

Enough

I'm unhappy. With myself.

And I have the next six and half hours at work to sit and think about why and how, and maybe come up with solutions to some of these problems.

Going to write a little bit and try to get some of these emotions out on paper so they don't sit inside my head any more.

Sunburn

Too much sun yesterday, paying for it today during a 9 hour shift.

Great Weekend, saw Inter Milan beat AC Milan 2-0 on Sunday at Gillette Stadium. AC didn't play very well, but Milito's first goal came around the 5th minute and it was well deserved. He cut back across Oguchi Onyewu and buried the shot near post. Ronaldinho had a few nice plays, including a free kick that sped past the post on the wrong side.

Completely spent today, no energy at all. Something incredible would have to be happening to get me to go out after work, I just want to pass out. Not like that will be possible at 9 when I go home but just resting tonight should let me have a life tomorrow.

Four classes next semester, definitely going to be a lot of work, requiring much more effort than last term. It's depressing, the older I get the more serious everything becomes. If maturity doesn't grow at the same rate of age-related reponsibility, there's a problem.

It's time to sacrifice some of the more irresponsible things I do and focus more on the academic side of education instead of the social part. Old habits are difficult to break, it's not going to be simple but if I can get work done ahead of time I won't be scrambling the night before an assignment is due. Or at least not as much.

I can't keep the attitude I have, there's too much at stake not to change. The fact is, if I don't get good grades and get off academic probation I won't be allowed back at USF in the Spring. No pressure, right?

Lately trying to fall asleep has been less trying - but no easier than I'm used to. Tend not to stress out as much any more, but feeling drained the day after a rough night is no good.

But each time the sun rises it's a new day with a whole different set of experiences and opportunities, and all I can do is get out of bed and meet them.

Gonna end up a big old pile of them bones

Ran into some obstacles with the apartment we're trying to get, keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best, if I'm the dealbreaker for this place - not sure what I'll do.

Not much I can do really, so instead of getting my mind all twisted up any more, I'm going to take deep breaths and count to ten - but it's not helping much.

Chelsea FC plays Seattle Sounders at 3 P.M. EST, and it looks like there will be plenty of substitutions so it will be nice to see how the team performs as a unit.

Too stressed to write anything else presently

It's time to change some things, this isn't working anymore.

Starting tomorrow, I'm on a break. No more of this do what you want to whenever you want to bullshit. Thinking more about consequences now.

Can not wait to leave home and get back to San Francisco. This is the most important semester, need to perform at the highest possible level, do my best and make sure I do not fuck it up.

Serious isn't a word I would use to describe myself, but I need to change that.

For someone with a pretty good memory, I can be pretty forgetful.

For example, this morning I tried to get into work with my house key. Thought I grabbed my work key last night on my way out of the house, and this morning I get to work and realize I'm SOL. Thankfully I was able to get everything sorted and my house isn't too far away from the job, plus my friends rescued me by shuttling me back and forth while a customer waited outside. I apologized profusely, he was understanding and told me he wasn't in a hurry or anything. Thankfully, he was still there when the store was opened and no customers were lost.

Soccer at 6:30 tonight, should have more than 5 people this time, that was no good last Sunday. Game lasted all of 25 minutes if that, 3v2 is not enjoyable, it would be more fun to just take shots. USA tied Haiti in stoppage time yesterday, after losing their 1-o lead to two unsanswered goals. Stuart Holden hit a spectacular first touch shot to the upper right corner of the net, a great strike. Czech it out - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJeTDvQsMsk

Would have been nice to see it in person, but it's not a big deal, there will be more matches to catch. The World Cup is definitely a must in this life, as is heading to Stamford Bridge and pretty much any stadium to see world class futbol. The MLS is improving, and the games are cheap as hell, but the level of play overall is just of less quality in comparison to the European leagues. This is why any talented American player must play overseas to further their career, if they're serious about taking it to the next level. Intramurals at USF and heated pick-up games are about as competitive as it gets nowadays, it's playing that matters most.

Last night the a blanket on the floor, a sleeping bag and some pillows were the bed. My back feels pretty good today, I didn't sleep that well but well enough to function.... maybe not, I did forget the key, didn't I?

No idea what's going on tonight, but it's not an issue. I'm ready to go out and misbehave, do nothing and take it easy, see a movie, or just kick it with some good people. Keeping in touch with people this summer hasn't been the easiest thing to do, but an occasional conversation or just getting a tiny update on what someone's up to makes the next face-to-face more meaningful. You don't have to go over all the little things because you're already aware of some of those details, allowing conversation to open up into other things.

Been working on not saying as much lately, trying to listen more instead of rambling. It's a bad habit and I sure as hell notice when someone else is dragging on, and that's definitely not a one-way street. I'm probably more guilty than the people I roll my eyes at. Maybe making a list of things for myself to work on would be helpful, it's nice to have a reminder.

I need to hit every single Marshall's and go searching for some new shirts, shorts and pants. all of my clothes are too big. This is a huge pain in the ass because I love my t-shirts, and I have so many of them. Is it weird that I'm attached to my collection? I don't think so - I picked all that stuff out because I liked it and wanted to wear it. Maybe I can sell some of my wardrobe to put towards new stuff, but maybe I'll hang on to the stuff I like the best that kind of fits and throw it all in the dryer a bunch, or just stubbornly wear it even though it's too big. Simultaneously, I am excited to be on the hunt for new stuff, so I'm full of conflicted emotions. Maybe I should phase the stuff out little by little, or just make a clean cut and offload it all at once. Charity would be a good thing to do, but I am pretty strapped for cash and in real need of some stuff that fits.

Oh well. If I can sell anything that's awesome, but if it all goes to charity I won't sweat it - I'm complaining about this shit while there are plenty of people who will never have enough clothing, or ever own things that are the right size. Does that make me a bad person? A little bit, I think.

Enough writing in this for today. Since I've been writing here I have stopped writing poetry and songs, I was doing that quite a bit a couple months ago. As long as there's words on the page, I'm happy.

Is this the life that you lead or the life that's led for you?

Woke up late, feeling worn out and unrested. Made it to work, have yet to eat my "lunch." I don't think a granola bar is going to cut it, no sir. Had a delicious dinner of striped bass, grilled shrimp, rice and vegetables in Marshfield last night.



It's been two years since I had striped bass, even though it's been quite some time I remembered exactly how it tasted. I love to go fishing, even if I've only caught one or two keepers ever. Something about being out on the ocean is soothing, it's a temporary escape from all the things racing through the machine inside my head. It's like diving into the water washes all those things away, and you can just take it easy until you get back on land.



For the past few days my mood has been all over the place, and people definitely noticed the other night, I couldn't fake it. It only made me feel worse when people kept asking if I was all right, but there's no way I'm going to answer that question honestly. It's a party, people are having a good time and I'm not dragging anyone else down with me, I'm not going to be the anchor tied to somebody's leg if I can help it. I'm not sure, maybe I shouldn't have gone out that night, but anything seemed better than just making myself feel worse by staying home by myself. I used to do that all the time and it was never helpful or productive.

No worries. I'm doing much better the past two days and the small detour on the road to happiness is done with. The rest of the way won't be easy by any means, but it's all progress.

I need to go to the bank and make a deposit, all the cash in my "safe" isn't- because I can open it and take the money out, whereas if it's on my checking card I don't spend as much.

Each day brings me closer to the cruel juxtaposition of the beginning of the semester against the carefree days of summer, but I'm looking forward to being back with some of the best people I've ever met in one of the greatest cities I've ever set foot in. Possibilities are endless, and I know that the smile on my face will be genuine, not forced or faked. My heart floats in the Bay, and it will be nice to go "home."

I'm debating whether I should leave this window open and continue to type as thoughts enter my head much like I have been for the past 40 minutes. Time to chow down on that granola bar.

today's date : 7/11. I want a slurpee.

I don't have it with me but I keep a good attitude

Totally wired from the iced coffee I downed before work.

Uncomfortably energetic at the moment, leg going haywire while I sit in my chair. The nice weather has left again, but it can't rain all the time. I can't even get a solid train of thought going, that's how ridiculous this caffeine high is at the moment.

Weather like this offers a break from the routine, and a much needed one at that. My low fuel light has been on for too long, I need a day/night off to refuel. I look forward to developing my latest FIFA manager project of Rotherham. Some people don't understand the fun in making a team and taking them to the top, and that's fine. I've started off with teams in the Premier League and while you have the funds to sign your favorite players, it's much less fun and challenging to start at the top tier.

It's one of my dreams to manage a soccer team, and realistically it will never happen at that level, maybe I'll coach kids, I feel like I might be all right at it, because I'm aware of the most important thing: If the players aren't having fun, you're doing it wrong. It's despicable watching youth coaches pigeonhole children into a single position, or having them play favorites and bench the same players consistently. That is fucked.

Coffee is wearing off and now I feel drained.

It's Tuesday, and I'm ready to go home and just take it easy until tomorrow, unless something worth doing is going on. Even then, I am so burnt out from the past couple of weeks, I might just turn off my phone and lay low for the night.

Do not be this type of customer

I'm not really that upset about these kinds of people, but they come in often enough and sometimes on the same day that this is worth writing about.

The "I need directions, but I'm going to pretend like I might buy something for 5 minutes" customer.

You know why you're in here, so do I. You're lost and need some directions. I'll give them to you gladly if I know how to get where you're trying to go, but for Christ's sake don't do a couple laps around the store after you get what you came for. Do you have anything besides your pen and paper? You're not going to buy anything, and it's not being more polite to act like making a purchase is a possibility. Get the hell out and get on your way, or BUY something. Don't make me watch you pick up different things and put them all back, I just want to get back to whatever it was I had been doing before you walked in. At least buy a water or something else we sell for $1 instead of this charade, it's a waste of time for both of us.

The "I saw you count out my change two times, and slowly- but I'm still going to count everything in front of you before I leave" customer.

Whether you're a big spender with the $100, or just getting a $5 and 5 $1's for your ten, don't insult me by counting it out a third time. I deliberately count the change slowly, especially if someone gives me $100 or $50 or more, and not only once but twice. Why do you have to stand there and do it again yourself? I'm not a magician, I didn't palm any of your cash, and I sure as hell didn't short you. I may not be very good at math but the cash register does that for me, so you can either continue to be a pain in my ass or PAY ATTENTION as I count your change back to you the first or second time, or both.

The "I don't remember the wine I bought but you should be able to based off of my shitty description" customer.

Self-explanatory. Save the bottle, write down the name, but don't expect me to remember what you purchased the last time you were here. If you can't remember it must not have been good enough for the name to stick in your memory. Frankly, I don't care about your predicament, and there's absolutely nothing helpful in what you're telling me.

Honorable mentions:
The "I heard you say thank you and have a nice day, but I'm not going to acknowledge it" customer
The "I fucked up opening this bottle and want to exchange it" customer
The "Let me tell you how shitty my day is for 20-30 minutes" customer
The "I'm in a rush and am going to take out all my frustration on you" customer

I could keep going, but you get the point. There are all sorts of people you deal with when you're behind a register, and not all of them are bad. Some make you laugh, change the way you see your life a little bit, and others make you appreciate things more. It's not that difficult to act like a human being, and why on earth would you give the person selling you your precious alcohol a hard time? Does your life suck that much, that you have to berate a young man doing his job, and providing you with a service? Just because you think you're more important than other people or like I should be grateful you decided to shop here doesn't make you hot shit by any means. The other customers talk shit about you after you leave, because you're the only one who doesn't realize how obnoxious you are.

And if you do things like that and are aware of it you're just not a good person. Go get a hug or something, but don't make my worse just because you're unhappy.

Oh what a night

I brought three books into work today, and have yet to read a single word. I've been rifling through all the soccer news I can find, through goal.com, espn, sports illustrated and msn. Last night? Incredible. I'm looking forward to the next shindig of that size and nature we throw.

Fireworks, Friends, a fire, and festivities. All alliteration aside, I'm quite satisfied with July 4, 2009. Maybe there will be enough people to play 3v3 tonight, but I'm not going to hold my breath. It's another sunny, beautiful day and any negatives are vastly outweighed by the scenery. To go from about four days without rain in June to two solid days of sun in the first 5 days of July restores some of my belief in karma, or just some kind of balancing force in the universe. Call me what you will, but if you don't believe what goes around comes around in some way, shape or form you might just be an asshole. If you constantly act like a dick then you might not get the same perspective.

Either way, I'm not complaining about this weather. Sure, I love a good rainshower, and am a huge fan of sunshowers, but I did not pack the climate of San Francisco in my bags when I flew home in May - it must have snuck in the luggage as a stowaway.

This summer is packed with things to do, and that's something entirely new to me. I'm used to being lazy, working, and just taking it easy at home more often than not. This is no longer the case. There's almost always something going on, and why not experience as much as you possibly can before summer ends?

When you get back wherever you're going, don't you want to have something to say to your friends when they ask what you did this summer? I certainly do.

Well, I feel bad for neglecting these books, and I have about an hour and a half to put some kind of dent in my reading, so I'm going to get started.

Fourth of July, explosions in the sky

I've only seen fireworks once outside the U.S. In Venice, celebrating the day the plague left a long time ago. I've done some stupid things with fireworks in the past, luckily nobody was hurt, aside from a small burn or two and some singed hair.

Beautiful day, a few clouds in the endless blue above, bright sun shining down on everything and a smile on almost every face you see. And why not? It's America's birthday, and we're all invited. Barbecue, head out to sea, or just sit down with some friends and enjoy a few.

Even if it's not nice where you are, even if you aren't in the States, have a wonderful day. Cheers.

See the word "Boredom" up there? That's exactly why this was written.

It's practically July, but it sure doesn't feel like it. Soon enough it will be back into the grind of another school year. The people I'm seeing a lot of will become ghosts until next May, but that's okay. Everyone has their own shit to do, and catching up with people in the summers is always a good time. Some people might be different than when you last met, including yourself, but that's (in most cases) no reason to stop hanging out with your friends from home.

Even if you didn't get along with someone in high school or if you didn't have any issues but never hung out, it doesn't really matter. Everyone is just looking to unwind, relax, and have a good time. Use the time given to you to take a good look around. Open your eyes extra wide, and really see the world. There's a lot of beauty all around us, and I'm going to try and appreciate it more.

The summer is a time for work, play, and more play. I could definitely be saving more cash but I'll make due with what I can scrape together for spending money first semester. Whatever will be, will be. Too soon will the school year return, and I for one can wait for summer to be over. I'm in no particular rush to start writing papers again. It's kind of funny how I want to write for a living and despise almost all academic writing. To make myself more clear, it's simply not my cup of tea, and I love tea, so it has to be pretty bad for me not to enjoy it.

Yesterday, The U.S. men's national team fell to mighty Brasil thanks to a second half comeback started in the 46th minute. Three unsanswered goals later, the score was 2-3 and USA lost their first ever FIFA final match in a tournament. It was a noble effort from the USA, and they definitely won the first half. But Brasil displayed why they are one of the world's best teams in the second 45 minutes, and deservedly won the match and the tournament. This has been a huge week for USA soccer, even if the sport is largely unappreciated in the states. Taking down the #1 ranked Spain and going two goals up against Brasil is just a sign of things to come. Hopefully, coach Bob Bradley and the squad will use the loss in the finals as fuel to drive them toward next year's World Cup in South Africa.

Today, I am working until 5pm, heading to Taco Bell for dinner and hanging out. The rest of this week will be spent working, with Friday being my only day off. That's fine, but I just finished my book and there's still an hour and a half before this shift ends. So why not post something on this blog?

Lately the weather has been bouncing back and forth, rain to sun, grey skies to blue, but for once in Cohasset it doesn't feel like there's nothing to do. It's a pleasant change, and hopefully things stay that way. Sitting around by yourself is no way to spend the summer, and it's certainly no way to live. Still, the quiet moments alone can be just as nice as a night around a fire with friends. Things are improving and yes, on this street called life there will be speed bumps to deal with, but you just gotta keep moving forward.

In the digital world of 2009, you're never more than a few mouseclicks from friends and family, but while the social networking on the internet can help you stay close to people far away, it doesn't replace the classic face-to-face interaction between to people. You can't hug someone through your monitor, yet. Take off your iPod, stop texting and make a phonecall. Say words to someone. That's step one. Soon enough, you may be ready to shake someone's hand or even hold a conversation in person.

Who knows what tonight let alone tomorrow will bring? Good, bad, either way, live well today so you can live well tomorrow.

Beirut, Beerpong, can't we all just get along?

Last night was great, this morning not so much. Surprisingly, this is day two of waking up at about ten after crawling into bed around three. Waking up doesn't mean getting out of bed however, I just kind of try and prepare myself both mentally and physically for the day before me for an hour or so before actually getting up and going to work or having some Honey Nut and a cup of tea.

This morning, I woke up in a decent amount of pain. Feels like a pinched nerve on my neck, not very pleasant, and I'm fairly self-conscious of the awkward Tin Man-eqsue way I'm moving to compensate for this injury. Does anyone have an oil can?

One hour into this shift at work, one customer served. Seriously, I swear Cohasset isn't a ghost town, but they do leave the majority of our streetlights off at night. Two wonderful girls I go to school with are coming to visit, I'll call them Gina and Kelly. Trying to find a place to misbehave this evening, and it looks like the great outdoors are a no-go, with the forecast saying 60% chance of rain. It's been so long since I've seen the sun that I'm starting to think maybe it went on vacation or just hit the road, hitchhiking across the galaxy. Speaking of the sun going out, if you haven't seen Danny Boyle's film Sunshine, get on that. You're probably familiar with his work, especially since Slumdog Millionaire (which I myself have yet to see, I'm a hypocrite) did so well at the Academy Awards.

But with Gina and Kelly spending the night and no plan for tonight's tomfoolery, I have some work to do. Then again - when do I ever have a real plan? Not very often, that's for sure. Certainly, I'm capable of setting something up *cough* pick-up soccer *cough* , but I'm fairly passionate about that.

You live, you learn. You live, you burn. I'm just trying not to burn too quickly, because I don't believe that it's better to burn out than to fade away. Eat your heart out, Neil Young.

Almost 2am

Took a Lunesta, tolerance is becoming an issue, so I'm being weaned off of it and given something else for sleep for a while. Cycling my sleep meds so I can have my A-Team out there with me next semester.

Played game of soccer in the rain earlier, then hopped into a slightly warm shower (which was still burning my hands, totally numb and devoid of color in the fingers). Poor circulation is a pain.

But check out this guy, casual as hell and in that type of situation. Unless he's enjoying a few last drags before he goes down with the car and dies, it seems like this man hasn't a care in the world.

Certainly makes me feel like a dick for stressing over potential surgery or surgeries to try and improve my sleep apnea. I have to do another overnight sleep study, try and sleep in some hotel type room with a shitty mattress, with tons of electrodes and wires all over my face, chest, and a few on my legs. Not to mention the CPAP machine, a darth vader like mask that basically just pumps a constant airflow into your face so you don't stop breathing and wake up. Well, it's been a year since they gave me my very own CPAP, which if I ever try to sleep wearing, keeps me up and ends up on ze floor. I have no love for that machine, doesn't work for me. But if my number of obstructions (times i stop breathing and wake up) is low enough no surgery. It was at 20 per hour on my back in December right before I went to school and 17 an hour on my side.

If the number is high enough, bye-bye tonsils, uvula, adenoids and whatever else would possibly cut that number down to a reasonable amount and I can start to function at higher levels than I am now. Sure, after 12 years or so you get used to running on empty but I am going to snatch any chance I can get to try and improve the sleep apnea and ideally get rid of it, but that's not too likely. Just having insomnia could make life easier, but any step in the right direction is still progress.

I have a 5 year reunion for my 2004 People to People Student Ambassadors Program trip to Greece, Italy, France, and London for 3 weeks on Sunday - if I can find a ride.

Until next time. Right now I'm going to turn this off and try to sleep.

I caved. So bored at work I made a blog, and am probably going to make a Twitter as well.

Here I am, sitting at work, bored out of my mind. Business is painfully slow, much like my thought process right now. Operating on about 6 hours sleep is nothing new to me but how tired I've been these last few weeks just kept piling on to my sleep deficit. To crash, or not to crash, that is the question. Soccer @ 6:30 tonight, but right now is another familiar feeling - not wanting to play because of
A. mood
B. energy level
C. awful weather

I usually end up going, but it seems like there's always some deliberation on my part over whether I should bother. The fact of the matter is, if I don't go out and kick the ball around I'm going to be upset that I haven't played. Plus, I suppose I'll tire myself out to a point where I may try and sleep at a reasonable hour tonight unless some plans present themself.

I'm 21 as of June 3, and it's nothing special. Sure, I can now legally purchase alcohol, but I've never been too crazy about it to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a drink sometimes but the morning after is usually just miserable.

I think that the spot where I split my head open a little bit going up for a head ball is going to scar. Oh well.

I'm going to go ahead and blame my bad mood on the weather, and leave it at that. Stressing is not going to accomplish anything.