Merry Christmas.

It's a time for all things. Extreme happiness, nostalgia, sadness, hope, despair, but it's just another day. We decide how to spend it. Feel not shitty on this day, rejoice. You're breathing.

You're loved. You're blessed.

The best I have been in years. Not where I want to be but on the right track. I've been slacking, time to cut that out and perform.

Strange night, a solid mix of the bitter and sweet elements of life. The weekend has been a letdown because of a combination of poor decision-making and circumstance.

We can only operate in the situations we find ourselves thrown into. That is life.

I am hopeful that tomorrow and the following days will bring more positives and fewer negatives, but it's a reluctant hopefulness. Guarded, to shield myself from further injury

Good classes, decent student. Great professors, I must profess. I'm not doing everything I should be but enough that I can still pick myself up by my own bootstraps and get myself into a distinct pattern. Routines aren't my strong suit but once you make positive habits continuing them is relatively easy with a little conviction and some sight into how easy said habits will make the future for you.

Today I will play some soccer, call the doctor, set up an appointment and do all my homework before class tomorrow. I've been participating almost too much in some classes, but if nobody else will raise their hand I might as well get some points. This year presents itself as a distinct chapter in my life, for the next is a gigantic ? Even if the good friends I have don't all leave, I'll be without my social circle that was established almost instantly when I moved into the dorms.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Forget tomorrow, today matters the most. I'm ready for my next class in an hour, then I'll get ready for soccer and have something to eat before taking advantage of 2x Tuesday at dominos.

Overall, I'm sort of happy with what's going on in my life right now, I'm definitely not ecstatic but I'm not too down about it either. Spent a great weekend with a good friend who came to visit with two of his buddies, did some late night/early morning thinking and made a few conscious decisions about changes I want to make.

It's a new month, a new school year, and time for some new life behaviors to adopt. I pray I can stick to them.

Research paper on School Violence

This is the research paper I wrote for Mr. Bouchard's US History Class. It's on School Violence. I am extremely proud of this paper.

Fag. Loser. Bitch. The echoes of these words are present every day in the halls of schools. Verbal attacks are commonplace in the lives of our youth. Although it does not come to blows in most cases, the physical and emotional damage of the words we use scars just the same. Band-Aid doesn’t have a product for bruised egos, and teachers can’t see the mangled psyches that walk through the corridors. Violence in school has always been a problem, and myriad approaches have been used to tackle the issue. Acts of violence in American high schools like the 1999 slayings at Columbine in Littleton, Colorado have changed the daily lives of teenagers.

Columbine is a name that America will never forget. A scar on the brain of every teen that saw the news reports, still fresh in our memories. The media capitalizes on tragedy, and the school shooting in Littleton, Colorado had every major TV station providing coverage. Columbine High School lost 12 students and a teacher to gunmen Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold before they committed suicide.

The fascination America has with violence is no secret, with shows like COPS and videogames like Grand Theft Auto on televisions in every living room. When one’s culture becomes fixated on acts of violence, who can blame kids for turning to culturally accepted means for solving their problems? A 1999 national survey said that “7% of students carried a weapon to school in the past month, 8% were threatened or injured with a weapon on school property in the past year, 14% fought on school property, and 5% missed a day in the past month because they felt unsafe” (keepschoolssafe.org).

Too often teasing and bullying are accepted as a social norm in our schools. When subjected to repeated and continuous torment, kids resort to violence. Sometimes the damage is done to themselves. In And Words Can Hurt Forever, James Garbarino and Ellen deLara describe violence directed at oneself: “In the 1998-1999 school year 2,700 kids between the ages of ten and nineteen took their own lives…Every year, one in thirteen high school students makes some sort of suicide attempt” (83). It is unclear why some teens victimize themselves and others turn their violence toward others. In today’s society, killing is acceptable. Kids see crimes on T.V., and some of them go to work committing those crimes and fixing the flaws. However, if ramifications are shown the media can stop violent acts (V, p.7). When a show like CSI investigates a crime, it doesn’t glorify the act and it carries a message: break the law; get caught and pay the consequences. Unfortunately, too many times the message is missing and the lesson is lost. The Columbine shooters Harris and Klebold had their own lesson to teach. On April 20th, 1999, they went into school with guns.

In the aftermath of the Columbine massacre, the boys’ crime was pored over by investigators. Discrepancies in reports led to different versions of the story getting aired and mass confusion about the truth. Revealing the truth is difficult when both the suspects are dead, but there have been some answers to the hysteria surrounding the killings. For instance, the boys had a hit list, but they did not kill anyone on it (Cullen “Inside”). They also made video-tapes prior to their attack on the school. They talked about how they would become famous, and which director would create the film of their story, how their hatred was non-specific, in addition to expressing some remorse to their parents and loved ones. Harris and Klebold talked about the abuse they suffered at Columbine High School, and how they planned on killing everyone in it (Cullen “Goodbye”). According to a classmate, they “got it worse than anything there” (Garbarino and deLara 81). Their hate didn’t have boundaries. The difficulty in working to prevent such intense anger that has no particular direction goes without saying. How does one remedy a problem with such an all-inclusive goal (Cullen “Inside”)? Dave Cullen quotes Lead Investigator Kate Battan in a news article titled Inside the Columbine High Investigation: "Everybody wants a quick answer, they want an easy answer so that they can sleep at night and know this is not going to happen tomorrow at their school. And there is no such thing in this case. There's not an easy answer. I've been working on this nonstop daily since April 20th and I can't tell you why it happened" (“Inside”).

In Violence in Our Schools: Halls of Hope, Halls of Fear, Tamra Orr states “Not a single study proves violent media has any role in real-life violence… [playing violent games] calms them down, relieves anxieties” (p.101) It’s true that games can be an outlet for aggression, and the majority of American teens who play games do not start shooting their classmates. Despite the facts, some do. Some school shooters have had hours of practice, honing their skills either on arcade games or home systems. Does listening to certain music or playing certain games make a student more prone to violence? There is no end-all answer in this instance, because everything depends on the individual. Some youths will be affected perversely, others not at all.

The subject of school violence is surrounded by myths. For example, all offenders are alike, child abuse causes violence, trying juveniles as adults decreases crime, and there is one cause and one solution (Orr, 10). Furthermore, the beliefs that schools are safe, kids don’t tell, bullying will always be present, kids have to deal with the problems on their own, and a prison approach makes schools safer have no merit. These myths are characterized by a laissez-faire attitude. Society doesn’t know how to deal with the issues, so it ignores them. There is no easy solution to solving school violence and a do-nothing approach or the ideals of “rugged individualism” don’t work, as they didn’t in the aftermath of the Great Depression. People are preoccupied with giving kids orders instead of letting teens voice their needs. Someone needs to listen to them and show them what to do (Orr, 100).

Bullying and teasing in school are the violence that catalyzes disasters like Columbine. Victims adopt a defeatist mentality, assuming they have to live with the taunting of classmates. Most teens assume nothing can be done and their adults are left in the dark. Many parents never find out about their child’s depression, self-endangering behavior, or suicidal thoughts (Garbarino and deLara 16-19). Some students report they feel safe at school because they trust their friends or they carry a weapon. Others feel the faculty is not looked to as a source of safety (Garbarino and deLara 41). Students fear “different” kids who stand out, and are typified as “shooters”. The fear causes pupils to ostracize peers on hasty judgment alone (Garbarino and deLara 55). The resulting alienation forms a dangerous recipe, a festering concoction of hate. Too many American high schools contain teens plagued by loneliness.

Social rejection is like an emotional terminal illness. Human beings by nature need acceptance to conjure some sense of validity (Garbarino and deLara 5). Also on page five, a prisoner serving a life sentence echoes the attention-craving sentiment: “I’d rather be wanted for murder than not be wanted at all” (Garbarino and deLara). Our country’s youth yearn to fit in and not be subject to ridicule. The pecking order in our schools targets the smaller, less powerful kids. Shameless slander and bullying are rampant in student life.

So why don’t students put an end to the hurt? Alas, the core of being in school is reputation. Few students will dare to enter a situation that could cause them embarrassment; why take that risk? The social norm is not to act when one witnesses the violent words and behavior in school. The isolation caused by social neglect often brings pairs together, and they develop strange and violent ways of thinking (Garbarino and deLara 6-7). In Understanding Sociology, the authors talk about the strong ties of a two-person group, or dyad:

In a dyad both members must participate or the group ceases to exist. This puts pressure on the members of a dyad to keep the interaction going if they want the group to survive….This threat of withdrawal by one member makes dyads more prone to tension than triads are….However, a dyad does not have to deal with the problem of intruders or spectators. Neither of the pair needs to perform for the benefit of a third party. (Calhoun et al. 183-184)

The potential for disaster is elevated to much greater heights in a two-person group than if a third member were present. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold are prime examples of this fact. It is extremely questionable whether one of these boys would have acted alone, and impossible to discern the answer. In contrast, some significant acts of school violence are committed by one individual. While experts debate the why, the what remains: students are killing each other.

In response to violence, schools have tried the institution of metal detectors, zero tolerance policies, and profiling. A timeline of violent school-related incidents from 1974-2002 shows evidence of crimes in 18 U.S. states and multiple occurrences in others. The location of the crime is irrelevant, violence with school ties takes place regardless of age, ethnic background, etc(Orr 13-17). By releasing a profile for a potential school shooter, Orr argues that personal freedoms are limited. A certain manner of dress, style of speech or behavior should not label a child as dangerous. Warning signs shouldn’t have faculties jumping to conclusions (126-127). On page 128 Orr writes, “Profiling is a fine technique for FBI manhunts; it is misplaced in American schools (128). All-encompassing Zero-Tolerance policies are one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time, but they have no beneficial qualities. When students are expelled for bringing possession of a nail file, pocketknife, or rubber band-something’s wrong. The Zero-Tolerance Policy is detrimental to school because they do not consider circumstance (Orr 148). Finally, the frivolity of metal detectors in schools is baffling. Students file through these machines daily, and what difference does it make? Why are tax dollars being spent on such a foolish thing? A student with the notion of killing classmates has no qualms with walking into the building holding the weapon. The false appearances of security metal detectors provide is a sham. When school adopts the atmosphere of a jail, do the students feel safe or like convicts? Metal detectors do not filter out anger and fear (Orr 139-140). The problem is not the weapons, it is the system.

Who is to blame? Parents? Video Games? Television? Marilyn Manson? People need to stop pointing fingers and start evaluating the situation. The word “desensitized” is thrown around liberally when discussing violence; not without cause. Exposure to graphic images and language and witnessing powerful images of violence regularly cheapens the effect on the human brain. Heads exploding becomes humor, when someone is hurt witnesses laugh. When one is awarded points in a game for precision and efficiency in killing; real death loses meaning. In the Jonesboro, Arkansas shootings students laughed when a teacher told the, students had been shot (Grossman 2-8). The reaction is disturbing at first, but in our culture where millions of students pull triggers on arcade games every day, murder is mundane.

If recreational fun is shooting cops on your T.V. screen, or blasting away on a computer, violence becomes the acceptable means to justify the ends. If one does not conform and follow the culturally-prescribed sanctions, why not rebel with guns? When students become ostracized, a sociological Labeling theory applies. It states that once labeled as a deviant by others, one will assume that role (Calhoun et al. 179). If every day in school a teenager hears slurs and sniggers as they walk to class, it has an affect on them.

The horrible wake-up calls of Jonesboro, Columbine, Conyers, Georgia and other schools has left a lasting impressions on our nation’s youth. A teenager interviewed by James Garbarino and Ellen deLara said: “I generally feel safe at school, but after [Columbine] I know that that is an illusion. Very little can stop that sort of thing. Teachers has no control” (3). Another boy had nightmares, and a girl stayed home from school out of fear. More recently, Cohasset has experienced first-hand bomb and shooting threats. The grim world we live in is one of hate, guns, and violence. These kinds of things never happened here, in our small town. Bomb scares and threatening messages were unsettling to say the least. I witnessed students laughing about it and making jokes about guns, and the gravity of the situation seemed to be above them. I laughed and made some of those jokes myself in school, but the laughter was nervous. What does one do when the situation is suddenly present in your school? The images from Columbine in 1999 came flooding back to me, along with the chilling school violence films Elephant and Bang, Bang, You’re Dead. that was based off the shooting. The words we use so loosely can hold more meaning than we think.

The nature of bullying presents a hurdle in the prevention of school violence. Not much can be done to truly stop taunting, the tormentor usually has to move on or realize their error for all abuse to cease. The insults build up inside, and sooner or later kids fight back (Garbarino and deLara 4). In most cases, it takes years of harassment and long-term abuse that end with school shootings. The shooters feel like it is their only option. Pre-meditated violence on the scale of Columbine is prefaced by years of incessant torture (Garbarino and deLara 78-82).

Schools have also had other failures in violence prevention. First of all, they fall short by using violence to discourage violence. The teachers make their students feel unsafe by leading with a poor example (Garbarino and deLara 77). Also, a lack of distinction for abuse, no name for the crime prevents identification of a problem and ultimately, a resolution. If the adults don’t react to improper or uncouth acts by labeling it abuse it will become ingrained in social life and accepted (Garbarino and deLara 21). Finally, Garbarino and deLara discuss the adult witnessing of sexual harassment and the assumption it’s flirting. The difference between the two is hard to differentiate (98).

Additionally, some steps of prevention that have had success are groups advocating self-control, a “JFK” mentality of stressing what students can do to improve the school experience. Kids need to be encouraged to stick up for their peers, discuss their feelings with others, and report cries for help. Last but not least, pupils need to utilize their speech and act as role models (Orr 156). Once youth begins campaigning for a more supportive environment and work to eliminate violence, changes occur. Students must “be the change [they] want to see in the world” (“Mahatma”).

Fortunately, awareness has risen and despite the media’s exaggeration, school violence is at the lowest level it has been in a decade (“School Violence Rate Stable”). The study, released November of this year, yielded the following:

Among students nationwide, an estimated 5 percent experienced a crime at school…about 4 percent reported a crime of theft and 1 percent reported having been a violence victim at school. This equals an estimated 1.2 million crimes of theft against students and about 740,000 violent crimes, including an estimated 150,000 of the most serious violent victimizations (rape, sexual assault, robbery, aggravated assault). Students also reported that about two-thirds of the serious violent crimes they experienced did not occur at school. In 2003 students also reported less fear at school than in earlier years as well as declining rates of being involved in school fights and lower percentages of students bringing weapons to school. However, access to illegal drugs at school, bullying behavior, and the presence of gangs at school appears to have not changed in recent years…During the 2002 school year there were 17 homicides and 5 suicides of school-age children at school. There were an estimated annual 119,000 thefts from teachers and 65,000 violent offenses against teachers at school, which is a per capita rate of 25 thefts and 14 violent crimes per 1,000 teachers. High school teachers were the most vulnerable to violence at school. About one in eight students (12 percent) reported that someone had used hate-related words against them at school. Approximately 5 percent of students reported in 2003 that they had either skipped school or avoided specific places at school because they were fearful, which was a lower percentage than in recent years. During 2003, 21 percent of public and private students said street gangs were present at their schools. Urban students were more likely than their suburban or rural peers to report the presence of gangs in their schools in 2003 (31 percent vs. 18 percent and 12 percent respectively). Seven percent of students ages 12-18 reported being bullied at school during the last 6 months. Public school students were more likely to report being bullied than private school students (7 percent compared to 5 percent). (“School Violence Rate Stable”

Clearly, the problem of school violence is prevalent in our country. As a nation, we are faced with the challenge of solving it. Coalitions have been formed to offer the opportunity for collaboration in finding a solution. All the groups in the world can’t go individually to each school and monitor everyone ensuring success. The realization has to be made by the persecutor for true success. David Saltzman wrote, “It’s up to us to make a difference. It’s up to us to care” (“David”). Students across the country need to realize that they hold their destiny in their own hands. With a little empathy, kindness and some abiding by the Golden Rule, benefits will start appearing.

This isn’t idealistic. This is the most pragmatic and realistic approach to school violence. If students model the right kind of behavior not everyone will change, but some people will. Someone will walk up to a kid who needs a friend and say hello. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, that is making a difference. The problem of school violence will not be solved by metal detectors, school psychologists, or zero-tolerance policies. Students need to realize that if they change one person’s day, they change the world.

WORKS CITED

Calhoun, Craig, Donald Light, Suzanne Keller, and Douglas Harper. Understanding Sociology. New York, New York: Glencoe McGraw-Hill, 2001.

Cullen, Dave. "Goodbye, Cruel World." Salon News. 14 Dec.-Jan. 1999. 15 Oct.-Nov. 2005 .

Cullen, Dave. "Inside the Columbine High investigation." Salon News. 23 Sept. 1999. 15 Oct.-Nov. 2005 .

"David SaltzMan." The Jester and Pharley Phund. 14 Dec. 2005 .

Garbarino, Ph.d., James, and Ellen Delara, Ph.d. And Words Can Hurt Forever: How To Protect Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment, and Emotional Violence. New York: The Free P, 2002.

Grossman, Dave. Stop Teaching Our Kids to Kill: A Call to Action against TV Movie & Video Game Violence. New York: Crown, 1999.

Keep Schools Safe.org. 12 Oct.-Nov. 2005 .

"Mahatma Gandhi." Quotations Page. 10 Dec.-Jan. 2005 .

Orr, Tamra. Violence In Our Schools: Halls Of Hope, Halls of Fear. New York: Franklin Watts, 2003.

"School Violence Rate Stable Lowest Level In A Decade." Bureau of Justice Statistics. 23 Nov.-Dec. 2005 .

Old paper on Frankenstein. Apologies on single spacing

Frankenstein. The woman behind the man behind the creation. This is no E! True Hollywood Story, but Mary Shelley’s novel is remarkable much-like the celebrities we see on television. Thankfully, not for the same (often tragic) reasons. There are good explanations why Mary Shelley’s novel is more than noteworthy. For example, Shelly’s use of frame narrative exposes the reader to three separate narrators in her story. By staging the novel this particular way, she is able to shape the reactions of and aid the formation of reader’s conclusions. When an author can control their reader like Shelley, it indicates outstanding literature. On the surface Frankenstein can be enjoyed simply as a novel, but it can also be taken into a school-type setting and taken apart. The dichotomy of the novel offers more than a pleasure read. Not only does Mary Shelley harness her reader’s emotions regarding her three narrators, but she also subtly pulls the strings leaving all but analytical readers unaware of the puppeteer. The three narrators in Mary Shelley’s story each have an effect on the reader.

First, Mary Shelley uses the narration of Robert Walton to highlight his self-centered ambition. The reader is first introduced to Robert Walton as a one-dimensional man. His only want in life is eternal glory, and he seeks to achieve his goal by making an expedition to the North Pole. Walton confides to his sister in letters, and the reader begins to form opinions about the man on the limited scope of information he/she is provided with. Exploring the dialogue of his letters reveals the egocentric man behind the writer. For instance, on page 21 Walton says, “Success shall crown my endeavors,” His use of the word “my” is a telltale sign of his selfishness. Walton continues to boast on page 21 saying, “Thus far I have gone, tracing a secure way over the pathless seas, the very stars themselves bearing witness and testimonies of my triumph.” Shelley characterizes Walton with brazen effrontery to form the reader’s impression of his/her first narrator, and it has the desired effect. Clearly, Robert Walton has something about him reminiscent of Ahab and the White Whale. The reader assesses the information before him/her and Walton is certainly not kept in the highest regard. In the same passage, Walton mentions the “untamed yet obedient element” of the sea, which raises the question: does he think that the ocean will bend to his will (21)? Once the reader has a distinct view of Robert, Shelley introduces the second narrator.

Robert Walton and Victor Frankenstein share the same ardent ambition, but Frankenstein has had time to put his past into the proper perspective. Shelley immediately establishes a parallel between the two men, evidence in Victor’s words to Robert: “Unhappy man! Do you share my madness? Have you drunk also of the intoxicating draught? Hear me; let me reveal my tale, and you will dash the cup from your lips (26)!” Intrigued by Frankenstein’s cryptic words, the reader acknowledges the rapport between Shelley’s narrators. As Victor Frankenstein dictates his grim and harrowing past, it becomes obvious that his self-centered ambition served as the catalyst in his downfall. As Mary Shelley’s second narrator, Frankenstein delves into the frame narrative and constructs a parallel to Robert Walton.

In contrast to Robert Walton and Victor Frankenstein, the creation’s suffering provokes the reader’s sympathy. Pity for the creation’s suffering is elicited by Shelley’s writing. Walton and Frankenstein are consumed by their desire to succeed, whereas the creation just wants to be loved and treated with some form of respect. Therein lies the chief discrepancy between the three narrators. The creation does not succeed in his quest for love, and the man responsible for bringing him to life has shunned and deserted him. The sad reality of the creation’s existence causes the reader to empathize his plight. Coming from an entirely different direction than Walton and Frankenstein gives the creation’s motive and longing real meaning. Instead of putting work first, the creation wants family and love. Mary Shelley enters the creation’s tale lastly because the contrast of her three narrators is more defined. If she had not led up to this point with Frankenstein and Walton, the effectiveness of the creation’s story is diminished. The creation contrasts the Victor Frankenstein and Robert Walton while completing the innermost section of Shelley’s frame narrative.

When an analytical reader steps back and operates with the inquisitive mind, he/she sees the woman behind the curtain. Shelley’s novel is not only enjoyable for a pleasure read but also contains the prerequisite elements of writing conducive to a classroom environment. Her novel manages not only to entertain but also to foster learning. The reader can only wonder what painstaking effort went into assembling this novel. Most importantly, readers gain an appreciation for things like the frame narrative in the process of analyzing the book. The three separate narrators in Frankenstein each have their own effect on the reader. The beauty is the author has the capacity to make her reader react a certain way to each character. Somewhere, Mary Shelley is smiling.

A new day begins without the sun
Father out of sight, Mother earth stuck in the night
hopes flicker
firefly

insomniac's thoughts at 3:45am

No dream catcher in this window, sleep escapes tonight.
A weary soul stares on unblinking, helpless to this plight.
Despite the circumstances now, the clock is blank, thank god.
When eyes refuse to close, and vision is unclear,
return insomnia's embrace; wait for tomorrow without fear.

Either choose to lose your mind, or find peace in this madness...
Create, write, read, watch, or just destroy
these nights were so much easier as a boy.

The man cannot possess the energy of youth
it's amazing he's coherent, wide awake to face the truth;
he's rundown at dawn and sundown
Time's changing numbers laugh at the unchanging face
the clock doesn't stop to rest, perhaps it's for the best
with so much to see in this place.

But without some dreams to follow, there's no real place to be
for half-sleeping isn't living, and while present, he's not there
a life once filled with passion is consumed by despair.

The restless nights and daydreams are teasing to the brain.
Sleep rain down on the man, a cure for all the pain.
The drugs don't work, neither does he
no assignments are completed, energy depleted

Eyes open, mind broken, start another day;
Now the tears unspoken fill San Francisco Bay
His animated corpse lies there defeated.

Dead weight, hours of hate, wait til death for change...
Some hidden switch within that will not disengage

Woke up Thursday at around 2:30pm, still awake

Two days this wake ran for no-shows
no flowers no guests an open casket
with open empty eyes that won't close

the mortician gave up, didn't know what to do,
a respectable man above duct tape or glue
but is there half a suit in there? or is it half a man?
Is there half a soul in there? Some extra room to spare?

Why get buried in expensive clothes, death's a date you have once, you don't court or treat her
you embrace and you meet her, and that's all we know, we decay and grow
Never had no giving tree, hell, never had no stump
Picture a bed of pillows thirty seven floors below and
j
u
m
p

It's summer and the World Cup is here, and the NBA finals pit two hisoric rivals against each other. While many calls seem to be bullshit in the NBA, I think that it's still worth watching playoff ball.

I wish I had something deep or clever to say. I just want to go to sleep.

Too long

It's been too long, I waited too long, again.

With the amount of writing I must do and turn in before tomorrow night, I can still say for certain I want to write for a living, as much as I may hate some of what I have to do now, I FUCKING LOVE TO WRITE

Big day tomorrow. Trying these energy chews to see if they help kickstart me into an alert awake mode so i get out of bed when i wake up instead of rolling around for hours to get another 40 minutes of sleep.

wasn't the most productive over break. kind of dropped the ball.

no worries, i can do it

It's beautiful out. Off to Golden Gate Park!

With double deuce and Kena. It's too nice out to waste any more time- I'm going outside

untitled

The things we meant to accomplish are accomplishments
but to achieve one must believe in oneself
and the concept of self-sacrifice

To gamble you have to roll the dice
and let go of regret, attempt to forget
The die cast in the past or the last time
you lost, at whatever personal cost.

These events may serve as memories
we cherish or want to perish and fade
but that's how this game of life is played

poetry

Shattered

good enough
neither nor
live or die
either or

good enough
never is
empty rooms
ignorance is bliss

when everyone's around
no one
can be found
(look in the mirror)
what do you see?forgive you?
forgive who?
you're dead to me
as much as he is

now read this
and laugh or cry, why?
don't care

There,there
I know that this
may hurt your head
but just know that he
can still see through you
like we all do
instead you pretend
that it's all right.
well you started the fight
but my hands are by my side

foolish pride tore this family apart
a cold heart still beating
life is fleeting
and soon you'll be dead
and I won't give a shit.

You've made your bed
now die in it.


untitled

and it seems a little brighter when the sun's going down
feels like we can do anything in this small town
for a few minutes as hands pass the light
the air was a bit sweeter, it all burned a bit brighter

they climbed and climbed and
for everyone the view was different
some focused on the edge and looked down in fear
while others stepped boldly onto invisible stairs

when they came back down the sun had set
and everything seemed the same

the torch is passed as
the first ray of dawn
and last ray of twilight meet

and for a while longer
everything burned a bit brighter.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

The Jester Has Lost His Jingle

Giving a speech on the author of this amazing children's book, David Saltzman.

He died 11 days shy of 23, and produced a classic in the face of Hodgkin's disease. I'm ashamed to think of myself as an aspiring writer when I read about David's story. I hope to some day create something that has such an impact on people, but that's not happening without some responsibility and adult behavior.

It's a shame and a blessing when you exit the "Big Nothing" like Elliott Smith's song. "You can do what you want to, whenever you want to though it don't mean a thing."

Parting from the state of confusion is not easy, and I don't mean to break away forever, but I certainly need to confront the problems I'm faced with. I have the means to do it, my engines aren't really ever full and without concerta to help me focus I do have a really hard time concentrating, in class, on work, reading, anything really.

But the thing is the productivity and positivity that are the comeuppance of focusing one's energy is astounding. I want to soar.

physical therapy starts soon!!!

week 1 of 24 hasn't started out here

the path is still unclear

but soon the fire lights

and then this simple spark

inside myself ignites

the smell of the pitch

rubber artificial turf and grass

from the first touch they say I can take

I'll be waiting for the next time I can make a pass.

The beautiful game drew me in as a child. I remember vaguely the world cup 94 and a little better the youth teams we split our age group up into before town soccer began. I was one of the fastest kids on the field, asthmatic as hell though and unaware of a deviated sceptum, so my shifts were shorter but I fought for every last ball and slid to win any ball, didn't have to be a 50-5o.. you dribble by kicking the ball too far ahead of you? I'm going to get the ball, you may get wrecked but I'm going to get up and keep playing unless a whistle is blown. The amount I cared about EVERY single game astounds me to this day. The excitement of a new pair of cleats, even if they were usually just the next year's adidas model, nothing too crazy. The thrill of playing goalie and making saves, keeping a match under control. Defense, a more physical side of the sport that relies on good depth perception, communication, strength of body and mind and VISION. As a defender you see the whole field. Call for a pass if you see the run being made- make that insane run down the left line hoping for the 1-2 or give-n-go to either send in a ball or blast a shot.

So many happy memories. The final memories I have before this while ligament situation are solid. I scored that game, we won, I was playin hard and having fun. I got hurt. Now, I can get myself back up, buy into this PT routine 100% and work so hard to not just get back but get back better.

There are many more memories yet to be made with myself and the beautiful game. While there has been distance, the truth is it never left me. Futbol is a part of me, I feel off because I havent had that outlet. I need to throw myself into academics, coaching, writing, and maybe trying to make music.

I felt miserable earlier this evening, it's now 4AM and I AM WIDE AWAKE. FUCK.

ambiens don't work, built up a tolerance.

ITS THE YEAR OF THE TIGER!!!

I'm a Dragon. What this means? right now dont ccare, gotta try to sleep before the su comes up

Misstep

Am not starting the semester as envisioned, and if the best laid plans get fucked than my simple sketchy outline of the semester got molested.

When you stare at an opponent, you can size yourself up and say "Okay, I'm faster/bigger/smarter/a better chef" than this person.

When it's ourselves we gaze at, we don't like what we see in the reflection. It's insane! We know all our own tricks, the little charades we put on and yet with all this information we can't summon the confidence to destroy ourselves, so to speak?

It's astonishing. All the game footage in the world, exact skill matchups and the power of will and discipline is all it takes to kill that part of yourself for the greater cause. To quiet that voice of laziness or apathy or to disrupt the SILENCE of our minds. To compete! To strive for a goal and to do so passionately, with the desire of a child still going for every loose ball in the match, wanting nothing else but to play the whole game.

I find myself sidelined by me, the coach. I'm sending out my reserves as my starting eleven, and it's FUBAR. Choice plays such a large role in life, and the big choice I'm faced with is how to tackle this issue of not sleeping. It's ruining the rest of my life, my friendships aren't as fulfilling and all because I can't fall asleep. I believe in myself sometimes, now being one of them. I believe I can defeat this son of a bitch called insomnia that I grapple with every night. I won't have sleep every night but I need the discipline and routine to condition my body into a functional sleep cycle.

For someone who doesn't sleep, it's easy for others to see you as lazy, abnormal, a whole bunch of other things as well. Truth is, when there's no energy to do something sometimes one can't just saddle up and strap in. Auto-pilot is not good enough.

Good enough is neither good - nor enough

But it's a real challenge to be better, because even after a stretch of good days one missed night of sleep can wreck a lot of good emotions. I'm not on edge as much these days, but without some sort of structure, regimen, routine, and program of discipline I will not see results. I need my knee to heal so I can get closer to running, then way down the line soccer.

I must focus on school and right now I'm not doing so hot at all.

I'm also going to start putting up poems that may or may not be finished just so i have someplace to keep them. I don't particularly advertise this blog because I don't see it as having an audience really, which makes me feel even better about that. Although it would be nice to have someone help me become a better writer by working with me.

It's almost 12:30. The two combatants enter the ring. Myself in the red trunks, insomnia in the blue.

Sound that bell.

It's 12:34 AM. That time gets me. It's like catching 9:11 or 11:11. You just have some sort of electrical synapse in your brain that registers those numbers on the clock. It's starting off a rough semester, I have pressure piled way way high over me but I need to rise above and not only can I, but I will.

It's time to be done with all of the self-fulfilling prophecy that is depression. Feel like shit, don't want to go out. Stuck in alone, feel awful. But when you do venture out into the uncomfortable world of parties, remember- there are always spots withing said parties that are more your scene. You don't need to be on the dancefloor (especially with that leg) but thats not the point. the point is life is the sum of all your experiences, and if you prevent yourself from exiting your comfort zone, taking that step outside the shell we all create around ourselves is a liberating feeling.

Nobody wants to get hurt, but without putting shit on the line, there's nothing to hurt but yourself, with the plague of regret. Fuck regret, can't live in yesterday.

I never practice what I preach but writing really does help me get some of these thoughts out that I don't voice to other people. I'm usually too busy spouting off nonsene or some story because I have a problem with talking too much.

I'm just as insecure, scared, as much of a nervous wreck as anyone else. It all comes down to how well you hide it, and when and who you decide to show those other sides of yourself to.

It's late, I have shit to do before class so I can feel good about myself.

Until next time faithful readers.

Cheers,

-M"D"C

Decisions, decisions

Didn't end up submitting anything for the ignation, considering posting some poetry and lyrics here, too embarrassed to put anything up on facebook. although i have very few things that are finished, most are drafts and need editing, badly so that needs to get done.

Classes seem all right, feel good about this semester. Seeing the orthopedic doc on monday bright and early- hopefully get referred to physical therapy out here. i need a program, i have some stretches to do and whatnot but once i get the new one down i can do it on my own at the gym.

i can breathe for the moment, i am in good health, i feel great just tired, i'm in one of my favorite places in ze world with some of my closest friends and great people by the truckload. I do miss home, it's not a feeling I'm used to. It's different with two roommates in Spain, they're missed too but I know that they're having a blast overseas, and for that matter I miss everyone I know who is abroad, and I hope you have the best experience. Travelling is a drug for me, something about new places that gets me.

It's a big Earth, and I mean to see most of it before I'm dead and gone. That's a dream. I feel that my experiences in other countries have always left me hungry for more. That's one of the biggest reasons I switched coasts for college. New scenery, new people, places, sights, smells, foods. Can't get enough.

It's 1:22, I'm still wide awake, class in 12 hours. It's gonna be a pain to get up this morning, but it's time to man up. Not just for today, but every single day. Time to stop talking and start keeping promises to myself. But first, maybe I'll pass out and get some shuteye before the sun comes up.

Good night, and good morning.

Please sleep. Please?