Misstep

Am not starting the semester as envisioned, and if the best laid plans get fucked than my simple sketchy outline of the semester got molested.

When you stare at an opponent, you can size yourself up and say "Okay, I'm faster/bigger/smarter/a better chef" than this person.

When it's ourselves we gaze at, we don't like what we see in the reflection. It's insane! We know all our own tricks, the little charades we put on and yet with all this information we can't summon the confidence to destroy ourselves, so to speak?

It's astonishing. All the game footage in the world, exact skill matchups and the power of will and discipline is all it takes to kill that part of yourself for the greater cause. To quiet that voice of laziness or apathy or to disrupt the SILENCE of our minds. To compete! To strive for a goal and to do so passionately, with the desire of a child still going for every loose ball in the match, wanting nothing else but to play the whole game.

I find myself sidelined by me, the coach. I'm sending out my reserves as my starting eleven, and it's FUBAR. Choice plays such a large role in life, and the big choice I'm faced with is how to tackle this issue of not sleeping. It's ruining the rest of my life, my friendships aren't as fulfilling and all because I can't fall asleep. I believe in myself sometimes, now being one of them. I believe I can defeat this son of a bitch called insomnia that I grapple with every night. I won't have sleep every night but I need the discipline and routine to condition my body into a functional sleep cycle.

For someone who doesn't sleep, it's easy for others to see you as lazy, abnormal, a whole bunch of other things as well. Truth is, when there's no energy to do something sometimes one can't just saddle up and strap in. Auto-pilot is not good enough.

Good enough is neither good - nor enough

But it's a real challenge to be better, because even after a stretch of good days one missed night of sleep can wreck a lot of good emotions. I'm not on edge as much these days, but without some sort of structure, regimen, routine, and program of discipline I will not see results. I need my knee to heal so I can get closer to running, then way down the line soccer.

I must focus on school and right now I'm not doing so hot at all.

I'm also going to start putting up poems that may or may not be finished just so i have someplace to keep them. I don't particularly advertise this blog because I don't see it as having an audience really, which makes me feel even better about that. Although it would be nice to have someone help me become a better writer by working with me.

It's almost 12:30. The two combatants enter the ring. Myself in the red trunks, insomnia in the blue.

Sound that bell.