My joking was just a coping mechanism for the anxiety I felt about the procedure I was about to have done.
"Burgundy." Was the doc's answer, no real reason. He laughed though and I felt a little better.
I had already been stuck with an IV of electrolytes and antibiotics and whatever concoction the anesthesiologist mixed up had me out in under 60 seconds. No idea how long it took really, no memories. Probably like 90 minutes.
Bandages still havent come off, am curious to see the scars from the incisions. I opted for the cadaver donor tissue instead of doing the patella or using part of my hamstring because by my line of thinking, why would I weaken my body in one area to strengthen another? Plus now I'm always walking with the dead, that is once I can walk again.
Got this machine to bend my knee for me, am up to 42degrees of motion , did 4 hours? yesterday and 6 today pretty sure. Percocet has me out of it. Sleep is inches from my fingertips and miles from my mind, eyelids slowly droop and flutter wide again.
Did not do things that needed to be done already, need to do them as soon as possible but havent been able to really because it's so ridiculous how useless I am currently. The nerve block they gave me didn't extend down to the knee itself so post-op I was in so much pain I was in tears. A failed second nerve block, two shots of demerol and two percocet later finally got me some relief. Almost ate it hard trying to get in my front steps, and had two close calls in the bathroom later on. The nausea from the painkillers, opiates get me every time this way- was just too much. I got pretty sick and then just held up in bed.
Christmas was good, got my surgery, macbook, and some video games. It's 2:15 am right now and I am going to turn off all light sources, put on some quiet music and try to drift off to some peaceful place where I can give these heavy bones a much needed rest.
I've had some visitors, more should be coming, it's great seeing people even though our activities are severely limited. Means a lot to see a smiling frriend's face when you're preoccupied with pain or whatever. It's an escape from the moment, and without those little vacations life can just pile on too much at once. This doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what's going on inside my head or how I'm doing emotionally but it's not the time or place for that, usually never is.
It's not a good feeling having to be helped with everything, I feel like a dick. Strange, I used to try and get help when I didn't need it and had no problem with that at all.
I'm losing some friends to overseas programs next semester, it will definitely alter my circle of friends and this is actually kind of great. I'm always up to meet new people and to be perfectly honest i stopped meeting people at USF and feel stupid about that.
Was so out of it christmas when my brother and sister tried to wake me at like 1pm my eyes shot open and pupils dilated as I exclaimed "I'm HOME!?!?!" and kind of went back to sleep.
It's been too long since anything was put in here, but now I have a laptop and an internet connection. Might submit some writing to the ignatian, have one or two days to do so.
good night, or good morning.
