physical therapy starts soon!!!

week 1 of 24 hasn't started out here

the path is still unclear

but soon the fire lights

and then this simple spark

inside myself ignites

the smell of the pitch

rubber artificial turf and grass

from the first touch they say I can take

I'll be waiting for the next time I can make a pass.

The beautiful game drew me in as a child. I remember vaguely the world cup 94 and a little better the youth teams we split our age group up into before town soccer began. I was one of the fastest kids on the field, asthmatic as hell though and unaware of a deviated sceptum, so my shifts were shorter but I fought for every last ball and slid to win any ball, didn't have to be a 50-5o.. you dribble by kicking the ball too far ahead of you? I'm going to get the ball, you may get wrecked but I'm going to get up and keep playing unless a whistle is blown. The amount I cared about EVERY single game astounds me to this day. The excitement of a new pair of cleats, even if they were usually just the next year's adidas model, nothing too crazy. The thrill of playing goalie and making saves, keeping a match under control. Defense, a more physical side of the sport that relies on good depth perception, communication, strength of body and mind and VISION. As a defender you see the whole field. Call for a pass if you see the run being made- make that insane run down the left line hoping for the 1-2 or give-n-go to either send in a ball or blast a shot.

So many happy memories. The final memories I have before this while ligament situation are solid. I scored that game, we won, I was playin hard and having fun. I got hurt. Now, I can get myself back up, buy into this PT routine 100% and work so hard to not just get back but get back better.

There are many more memories yet to be made with myself and the beautiful game. While there has been distance, the truth is it never left me. Futbol is a part of me, I feel off because I havent had that outlet. I need to throw myself into academics, coaching, writing, and maybe trying to make music.

I felt miserable earlier this evening, it's now 4AM and I AM WIDE AWAKE. FUCK.

ambiens don't work, built up a tolerance.

ITS THE YEAR OF THE TIGER!!!

I'm a Dragon. What this means? right now dont ccare, gotta try to sleep before the su comes up

Misstep

Am not starting the semester as envisioned, and if the best laid plans get fucked than my simple sketchy outline of the semester got molested.

When you stare at an opponent, you can size yourself up and say "Okay, I'm faster/bigger/smarter/a better chef" than this person.

When it's ourselves we gaze at, we don't like what we see in the reflection. It's insane! We know all our own tricks, the little charades we put on and yet with all this information we can't summon the confidence to destroy ourselves, so to speak?

It's astonishing. All the game footage in the world, exact skill matchups and the power of will and discipline is all it takes to kill that part of yourself for the greater cause. To quiet that voice of laziness or apathy or to disrupt the SILENCE of our minds. To compete! To strive for a goal and to do so passionately, with the desire of a child still going for every loose ball in the match, wanting nothing else but to play the whole game.

I find myself sidelined by me, the coach. I'm sending out my reserves as my starting eleven, and it's FUBAR. Choice plays such a large role in life, and the big choice I'm faced with is how to tackle this issue of not sleeping. It's ruining the rest of my life, my friendships aren't as fulfilling and all because I can't fall asleep. I believe in myself sometimes, now being one of them. I believe I can defeat this son of a bitch called insomnia that I grapple with every night. I won't have sleep every night but I need the discipline and routine to condition my body into a functional sleep cycle.

For someone who doesn't sleep, it's easy for others to see you as lazy, abnormal, a whole bunch of other things as well. Truth is, when there's no energy to do something sometimes one can't just saddle up and strap in. Auto-pilot is not good enough.

Good enough is neither good - nor enough

But it's a real challenge to be better, because even after a stretch of good days one missed night of sleep can wreck a lot of good emotions. I'm not on edge as much these days, but without some sort of structure, regimen, routine, and program of discipline I will not see results. I need my knee to heal so I can get closer to running, then way down the line soccer.

I must focus on school and right now I'm not doing so hot at all.

I'm also going to start putting up poems that may or may not be finished just so i have someplace to keep them. I don't particularly advertise this blog because I don't see it as having an audience really, which makes me feel even better about that. Although it would be nice to have someone help me become a better writer by working with me.

It's almost 12:30. The two combatants enter the ring. Myself in the red trunks, insomnia in the blue.

Sound that bell.

It's 12:34 AM. That time gets me. It's like catching 9:11 or 11:11. You just have some sort of electrical synapse in your brain that registers those numbers on the clock. It's starting off a rough semester, I have pressure piled way way high over me but I need to rise above and not only can I, but I will.

It's time to be done with all of the self-fulfilling prophecy that is depression. Feel like shit, don't want to go out. Stuck in alone, feel awful. But when you do venture out into the uncomfortable world of parties, remember- there are always spots withing said parties that are more your scene. You don't need to be on the dancefloor (especially with that leg) but thats not the point. the point is life is the sum of all your experiences, and if you prevent yourself from exiting your comfort zone, taking that step outside the shell we all create around ourselves is a liberating feeling.

Nobody wants to get hurt, but without putting shit on the line, there's nothing to hurt but yourself, with the plague of regret. Fuck regret, can't live in yesterday.

I never practice what I preach but writing really does help me get some of these thoughts out that I don't voice to other people. I'm usually too busy spouting off nonsene or some story because I have a problem with talking too much.

I'm just as insecure, scared, as much of a nervous wreck as anyone else. It all comes down to how well you hide it, and when and who you decide to show those other sides of yourself to.

It's late, I have shit to do before class so I can feel good about myself.

Until next time faithful readers.

Cheers,

-M"D"C

Decisions, decisions

Didn't end up submitting anything for the ignation, considering posting some poetry and lyrics here, too embarrassed to put anything up on facebook. although i have very few things that are finished, most are drafts and need editing, badly so that needs to get done.

Classes seem all right, feel good about this semester. Seeing the orthopedic doc on monday bright and early- hopefully get referred to physical therapy out here. i need a program, i have some stretches to do and whatnot but once i get the new one down i can do it on my own at the gym.

i can breathe for the moment, i am in good health, i feel great just tired, i'm in one of my favorite places in ze world with some of my closest friends and great people by the truckload. I do miss home, it's not a feeling I'm used to. It's different with two roommates in Spain, they're missed too but I know that they're having a blast overseas, and for that matter I miss everyone I know who is abroad, and I hope you have the best experience. Travelling is a drug for me, something about new places that gets me.

It's a big Earth, and I mean to see most of it before I'm dead and gone. That's a dream. I feel that my experiences in other countries have always left me hungry for more. That's one of the biggest reasons I switched coasts for college. New scenery, new people, places, sights, smells, foods. Can't get enough.

It's 1:22, I'm still wide awake, class in 12 hours. It's gonna be a pain to get up this morning, but it's time to man up. Not just for today, but every single day. Time to stop talking and start keeping promises to myself. But first, maybe I'll pass out and get some shuteye before the sun comes up.

Good night, and good morning.

Please sleep. Please?

"So Mike, any questions before we get started?"

"Yeah, what's your favorite color?"

My joking was just a coping mechanism for the anxiety I felt about the procedure I was about to have done.

"Burgundy." Was the doc's answer, no real reason. He laughed though and I felt a little better.

I had already been stuck with an IV of electrolytes and antibiotics and whatever concoction the anesthesiologist mixed up had me out in under 60 seconds. No idea how long it took really, no memories. Probably like 90 minutes.

Bandages still havent come off, am curious to see the scars from the incisions. I opted for the cadaver donor tissue instead of doing the patella or using part of my hamstring because by my line of thinking, why would I weaken my body in one area to strengthen another? Plus now I'm always walking with the dead, that is once I can walk again.

Got this machine to bend my knee for me, am up to 42degrees of motion , did 4 hours? yesterday and 6 today pretty sure. Percocet has me out of it. Sleep is inches from my fingertips and miles from my mind, eyelids slowly droop and flutter wide again.

Did not do things that needed to be done already, need to do them as soon as possible but havent been able to really because it's so ridiculous how useless I am currently. The nerve block they gave me didn't extend down to the knee itself so post-op I was in so much pain I was in tears. A failed second nerve block, two shots of demerol and two percocet later finally got me some relief. Almost ate it hard trying to get in my front steps, and had two close calls in the bathroom later on. The nausea from the painkillers, opiates get me every time this way- was just too much. I got pretty sick and then just held up in bed.

Christmas was good, got my surgery, macbook, and some video games. It's 2:15 am right now and I am going to turn off all light sources, put on some quiet music and try to drift off to some peaceful place where I can give these heavy bones a much needed rest.

I've had some visitors, more should be coming, it's great seeing people even though our activities are severely limited. Means a lot to see a smiling frriend's face when you're preoccupied with pain or whatever. It's an escape from the moment, and without those little vacations life can just pile on too much at once. This doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what's going on inside my head or how I'm doing emotionally but it's not the time or place for that, usually never is.

It's not a good feeling having to be helped with everything, I feel like a dick. Strange, I used to try and get help when I didn't need it and had no problem with that at all.

I'm losing some friends to overseas programs next semester, it will definitely alter my circle of friends and this is actually kind of great. I'm always up to meet new people and to be perfectly honest i stopped meeting people at USF and feel stupid about that.

Was so out of it christmas when my brother and sister tried to wake me at like 1pm my eyes shot open and pupils dilated as I exclaimed "I'm HOME!?!?!" and kind of went back to sleep.

It's been too long since anything was put in here, but now I have a laptop and an internet connection. Might submit some writing to the ignatian, have one or two days to do so.

good night, or good morning.

Injured

It's been a while since anything has been "put down on paper." A lot has happened, but overall it's nothing extremely interesting or worth commenting on. Well, that may not be true but honestly I don't feel like writing about it.

Got my knee worked over pretty well in the intramural game. Tried to get in between two defenders on a corner and the ball came in, legs got tangled, got hit by both in different directions and felt my knee pop inwards. Incredibly sharp, sudden pain sent me to the ground like I got shot. So I shot to the turf immediately grabbing my leg/knee and making sure it wasnt bent wrong. Play continued for a few seconds before Jimmy asked if I was okay. An emphatic "NO" and waving of my other hand got his attention and people helped me off the field so play could continue. I had already scored in the first half and I think we were up at the time. My friends were already helping out, Charles had ice for me before I knew what was going on really, and Lance happened to have a knee brace in his bag which I desperately needed.

The ice really helped numb the pain, but my leg just buckled and gave out on me a few times throughout the day/evening. Without that brace I would have been in rough shape. Grabbed Sushi and saw Where The Wild Things are with some good company, although I didn't really like the film. Visually stunning, but it didn't really do anything for me. Maybe it was the fact that my mind was elsewhere because I couldn't sit comfortably, but something about the movie didn't click with me. The sushi was great, the gyoza (pot stickers) pretty good. I love pot stickers, and these were not bad but San Francisco has some great places to grab food so I am fortunate enough to be picky.

Got up Sunday and walked/took the bus to St. Mary's ER. Waited, iced, finally got admitted. Had x-rays, the technician asked if they gave me pain med, which I hadn't. I did when they were done taking the x-rays. I couldn't and still can't unbend my knee or bend it all the way without a LOT of pain. The nurse was not a very kind person overall and she snapped at me when I asked if there was something they could give me. Apparently not unless some doctor had seen me or some shit. Either way, I didn't care, I was only asking because it just so happened that some sort of painkiller would have helped me out significantly. Maybe she was having a rough day too or something but the coldness and insensitivity she sent my way did nothing to help my mood. Being alone in an ER bed with my ipod and my thoughts (which where nowhere pleasant) was a battle, and unfortunately Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" was not a song I chose to listen to, because my thoughts got the better of me. I usually go with Bob Marley when I'm not feeling right, and for whatever reason I didn't throw that on. I was sitting there just thinking about what kind of damage might have been done to me leg, and focusing on soccer. I know knees are the worst thing to injure, and that soccer goes after your knees the hardest.

But I got a new nurse who was very warm and spoke to me for a while about my concerns and she also asked me if I had been given anything for pain, and got me a vicodin and another about 45 minutes later when it didn't do anything. She really helped get me into a more positive mood, and when the doctor told me she would go look at my x-rays then go over with me and next thing I know i'm being given crutches, a brace and a prescription. There was a piece of paper saying some of the stuff the doctor said, stuff like possible meniscus damage. I had the name of an orthopedic specialist and needed to set up an appointment with him for an MRI.

Called at 8ish this morning no answer left a message, called again after class around 3. Next Thursday is the day, 9:30 a.m. Got put on a cancellation list so maybe sooner, hopefully. Going to call my primary doctor out here and see if they can help me get in there faster because I really want to know what the hell the deal is. I don't know if this is serious or not, just how painful it is.

Feeling hopeful it's nothing too bad, just want to know for certain.