Injured

It's been a while since anything has been "put down on paper." A lot has happened, but overall it's nothing extremely interesting or worth commenting on. Well, that may not be true but honestly I don't feel like writing about it.

Got my knee worked over pretty well in the intramural game. Tried to get in between two defenders on a corner and the ball came in, legs got tangled, got hit by both in different directions and felt my knee pop inwards. Incredibly sharp, sudden pain sent me to the ground like I got shot. So I shot to the turf immediately grabbing my leg/knee and making sure it wasnt bent wrong. Play continued for a few seconds before Jimmy asked if I was okay. An emphatic "NO" and waving of my other hand got his attention and people helped me off the field so play could continue. I had already scored in the first half and I think we were up at the time. My friends were already helping out, Charles had ice for me before I knew what was going on really, and Lance happened to have a knee brace in his bag which I desperately needed.

The ice really helped numb the pain, but my leg just buckled and gave out on me a few times throughout the day/evening. Without that brace I would have been in rough shape. Grabbed Sushi and saw Where The Wild Things are with some good company, although I didn't really like the film. Visually stunning, but it didn't really do anything for me. Maybe it was the fact that my mind was elsewhere because I couldn't sit comfortably, but something about the movie didn't click with me. The sushi was great, the gyoza (pot stickers) pretty good. I love pot stickers, and these were not bad but San Francisco has some great places to grab food so I am fortunate enough to be picky.

Got up Sunday and walked/took the bus to St. Mary's ER. Waited, iced, finally got admitted. Had x-rays, the technician asked if they gave me pain med, which I hadn't. I did when they were done taking the x-rays. I couldn't and still can't unbend my knee or bend it all the way without a LOT of pain. The nurse was not a very kind person overall and she snapped at me when I asked if there was something they could give me. Apparently not unless some doctor had seen me or some shit. Either way, I didn't care, I was only asking because it just so happened that some sort of painkiller would have helped me out significantly. Maybe she was having a rough day too or something but the coldness and insensitivity she sent my way did nothing to help my mood. Being alone in an ER bed with my ipod and my thoughts (which where nowhere pleasant) was a battle, and unfortunately Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" was not a song I chose to listen to, because my thoughts got the better of me. I usually go with Bob Marley when I'm not feeling right, and for whatever reason I didn't throw that on. I was sitting there just thinking about what kind of damage might have been done to me leg, and focusing on soccer. I know knees are the worst thing to injure, and that soccer goes after your knees the hardest.

But I got a new nurse who was very warm and spoke to me for a while about my concerns and she also asked me if I had been given anything for pain, and got me a vicodin and another about 45 minutes later when it didn't do anything. She really helped get me into a more positive mood, and when the doctor told me she would go look at my x-rays then go over with me and next thing I know i'm being given crutches, a brace and a prescription. There was a piece of paper saying some of the stuff the doctor said, stuff like possible meniscus damage. I had the name of an orthopedic specialist and needed to set up an appointment with him for an MRI.

Called at 8ish this morning no answer left a message, called again after class around 3. Next Thursday is the day, 9:30 a.m. Got put on a cancellation list so maybe sooner, hopefully. Going to call my primary doctor out here and see if they can help me get in there faster because I really want to know what the hell the deal is. I don't know if this is serious or not, just how painful it is.

Feeling hopeful it's nothing too bad, just want to know for certain.

At this moment I can not express the amount of sadness, anger, pain, and loneliness I feel.

It's been a while

Been a while since I wrote anything, here or otherwise. Love my classes, making a good start to the year but something is missing.

It seems like 24 hours in a day is too many, rather I just wish that someone would kick it while everyone else passes out.

Apartment is great, love my bedroom and the entire place, but my walls are way too bare. Plus I know jack shit about decorating so I just kind of put up some things I have but there's far too much plain space.

Mood lately been on an upward trend but to be honest last Wednesday was the first day I started to feel better since a few days after getting back out here - the one place in the world I wanted to be when I was stuck in Massachusetts. Why did I feel like shit? A whole number of reasons- and it just got way too hard to keep faking it, couldn't pretend I didn't feel awful anymore. Missed out on a great time last weekend because of it and while I regret not going out- not drinking and going wild was exactly what I needed at the time.

I'm trying to set some goals for this year but definitely not trying to throw all my eggs into a single basket.

This semester I just want to do well and live well. Gotta keep track of my cash, keep my head straight and surround myself with positivity.

Running on a bit of a short fuse, definitely will be doing my best not to snap at people.

Not much else to say, just needed to get my fingers moving on this keyboard in order to keep my thoughts quiet. This isn't very good practice but it is calming and any writing is just working towards what I want to do.

Too much thinking. Too too much.

Brought three books to work today, eleven hours until freedom. It's way too early to tell if I'll be going out tonight or just lying down and resting after I get out.

Desperately need to clean my room and find my grandfather's dogtag - it's been missing for about three weeks and I would be extremely upset if I lost it.

Time is running out, this is the last saturday I have at home until christmas.

Chelsea FC won over Hull City today thanks to a brace by Didier Drogba, the second goal coming in the 92nd minute. A good start to the season, but they need to put games away much earlier.

Fuck insomnia and sleep apnea. Tonight I sleep well and wake well rested right and ready for the new day.

I'm drunk. Cheers

It's a new school year in about three weeks, and a new opportunity to aim for something more than the grades I can get without applying myself. I would really like to do well this year, not going to be easy but it won't be the most difficult thing either.

Things are going to change but definitely not on their own, and not in the way I want them to unless I step up and do something about it. It's easy to say you're going to do something, but unless my actions speak for themselves that's all there is - just talk.

In order to be happier I need to set realistic goals and do everything I can to get there. I may act differently than I have in the past, and it would be helpful if I wasn't going to be pressured by the people I know to do something I might not want to.

If you can't accept the fact that I want to start living a little bit differently and start being more responsible, I don't really need you around me all the time.

This is my ladt chance to get off of academic probation or I'm thrown out of school. That's pretty fucking serious, I can't afford to put forth anything less than my best effort, and there are sacrifices that have to be made in order to perform at that level.

I'm scared that being off campus and living with my best friends will be a major obstacle to overcome.

Ultimately it's up to me to make the most out of my situation, and I won't have anyone to blame but myself if I mess things up.

There have been many important moments in my life, and pressure is nothing new but if I can get off of academic probation this semester then I will have accomplished one of many goals I have set for myself - and that's what is most important right now.

I'm going to need a little help making sure I stay on top of everything, but I can't expect it, because if I sit around waiting for somebody to give me a hand and nothing happens I'm in way over my head.

I won't lie, I'm petrified. Every day is going to be a challenge, and every day I'll have to try and meet that challenge and overcome the things in my way. Motivation has always been a problem for me, procrastination is my go-to when something gets assigned. I pray that I can manage my time better and not leave things until it's too late to do my best work. Too many times I find myself finishing up a paper right before class starts, handing in something I'm not especially proud of.

It's almost a new year, and a chance to do things differently this time around.

Enough

I'm unhappy. With myself.

And I have the next six and half hours at work to sit and think about why and how, and maybe come up with solutions to some of these problems.

Going to write a little bit and try to get some of these emotions out on paper so they don't sit inside my head any more.